YOU RIPPED ME A NEW ONE

YOU
 Les, you ripped me a new one!

I hear that a lot. (And honestly? I hope I did. The old one sure wasn’t working.)

YOU
What?! I’m a good actor!!!!

Oh! I’m sorry. Did I miss something on your IMDB? Are you working at the Geffen? In Morocco? Vancouver, perhaps? Are you and @GlenPowell starring together in the next @TomCruise @MissionImpossible and I missed it? 

YOU
Excuse me! I don’t have to be a  
working actor to be a good actor! 

You’re right. You don’t. But you’d be happier if you were WORKING, amiright? So, do you mind if I try to help you make that happen? 

Shockingly, I don’t actually set out to rip you a new one. I do not sit around dreaming up new and exciting ways to fuck with your confidence. I don’t wake up in the morning praying that some young, unsuspecting actorette will materialize so that I can feed upon them like a greedy vampire.  

I actually rise and shine praying to God that today will be the day you GET it. But if it’s not, you gotta know that I’m gonna tell you about it and then I’m gonna be sure you know how I think you can fix it. And yes, there is a strong possibility that that might involve the creation of “a new one.” 

To that end I will repeatedly suggest that you do things that will immediately improve your acting. And while I think we all hope that if someone we respect suggests that we do something, we actually do do it (yes, I said “do do,” grow up), sometimes it’s difficult not only to execute but even to just hear what is being said to us. Remember — I was an actor. I know how hard it is for – let’s just call us “creatively challenged” — people to incorporate new information.

Why is that the case? Well, maybe because what I’m asking you to do 

• is alarmingly different from everything you’ve learned up to now and that’s unsettling,
   
• can’t possibly work if Mr. Meisner didn’t say it would, and/or
  
• just seems wrong to you. 

Maybe you  

• think you know better (fairly unlikely, as you’re probably young and I’m definitely … let’s say less young and more experienced), 

• worry about what it means if you try to do what I ask you to do and it works (you’re afraid you wasted time; you didn’t!), 

• worry about what it means if you try to do what I ask you to do and it doesn’t work (you’re afraid you’re a failure; you’re not!), 

• had a particularly traumatic childhood and there’s just a lot of noise in your head right now. 

It really doesn’t matter why you’re not hearing me though, does it? 

I still have to find a way to penetrate your resistance.  

It’s my job. My raison d’etre. Nobody penetrated mine and I bet you can tell that I’m still somewhat pissy about it. 

If you don’t break through, I’m afraid you won’t be a successful actor, and I will have failed. And because I refuse to fail, I try everything I can. Over and over and over again. Sometimes I say stuff so often that I become convinced that you have a hearing issue, so that makes me say it even louder. When you still appear not to have heard me, I just keep amplifying.  

YOU
  Yeah. You yell!

Yup! Worse things have happened in your life.  

And for whatever it’s worth: 

ACTOR
You ripped me a new one! 

is almost always followed by

ACTOR
Thank GOD! 

Or

ACTOR
I wouldn’t be here without you.

Or

ACTOR
CAA gets me out so much! 
Thank you! 

Or 

ACTOR
WME is really happy with my bookings. 

Or 

ACTOR
Gersh is cashing the shit out of my paychecks. 

Or 

ACTOR
UTA bought me a Lamborghini. 

Or 

ACTOR
Can you come to the Friends & Family screening on Friday?

Or 

ACTOR
I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

Or 

ACTOR
You helped me see what I couldn’t.

Or 

ACTOR
That’s exactly what I needed to get to the next level. 

Or, my personal fave to date, 

ACTOR
I’ll text you from Morocco.

I LOVE THAT!!!! “I’ll text you from Morocco!!!!” 

Sigh. 

I never intend to be a meanie. And you probably do need to change and improve. I’ll do whatever I have to do (that was not “do do” that time) to get you to do that. And thus, may, perhaps even inadvertently, rip you a new one.  

If you think that’s mean, I’m sorry. Personally, I think it’s not only unusually nice but also pretty generous. I mean, I coulda been an investment banker. (I couldn’t. Math is not my forte.) 

Therefore?  

I may rip you a new one now and then. Ok? 

You’re welcome.