The Struggle Is Real

Recently, I asked an actor in one of my classes to explain why she felt her work was “better” in rehearsal than it was in class.  I thought our exchange might be of use to some of you:

Actor: I think my work was better in rehearsal than it was in class because

— I was nervous to be back in class after some time away,

— in front of a new group of people,

— my adrenaline was high, I had too much caffeine,

— I hadn’t eaten enough,

— my voice was shaking, my hands were shaking, my stomach was churning, and my heart was racing,

— when I had to look down at my paper in an unexpected moment I became flustered. NOT because I tried to memorize… I never try to memorize, but I do remember my lines inadvertently very easily after a couple rehearsals sometimes in the rush of performance though I guess I lose my train of thought and have to look down here and there. Sometimes this leaves me momentarily flat footed and I have to recover.

— I also probably just didn’t rehearse ENOUGH. Since I knew this was not a real audition and “just class” I decided it was okay for me to go out with my friends the night before. I had read the script and run it a few times in rehearsal. I figured I could do more in the morning. But in the morning I just didn’t actually have the time I thought I would.

— Also, I was nervous to go in doing an accent. I thought maybe this was too bold a choice.

Any of those answers ring a bell?

 

Here are my responses in CAPS, fyi:

Actor:  I think my work was better in rehearsal than it was in class because

— I was nervous to be back in class after some time away, in front of a new group of people,

 

SO YOU BATTED IT UP.  (HAD LOTSA BAD ACTOR THOUGHTS.) THAT COULD HAPPEN ANYTIME – AT ANY AUDITION, IN ANY NEWISH EXPERIENCE.  SO NEXT TIME CAN YOU HAVE GATS (GOOD ACTOR THOUGHTS) AS OPPOSED TO THOSE BATS?  LIKE PREPARE ‘EM AHEAD OF TIME?

 

— . . . my adrenaline was high, I had too much caffeine,

 

MAYBE HAVE NO CAFFEINE NEXT TIME? JUST TO BE SAFE?

 

— . . . I hadn’t eaten enough,

 

PROTEIN SHAKES ARE MY NEW FAVE.  IF THAT HAPPENS IN CLASS AGAIN ASK ME TO MAKE YOU ONE.

 

— . . . my voice was shaking, my hands were shaking, my stomach was churning, and my heart was racing,

 

NONE OF WHICH WE COULD SEE, BUT ALL OF WHICH YOU WERE PROBABLY THINKING ABOUT/OBSESSING OVER, SO MAYBE DON’T WORRY ABOUT THAT SHIT. SERIOUSLY.  DON’T THINK ABOUT IT. I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW BUT I’M NOT THINKING ABOUT IT.  I CHOOSE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I’M WRITING.  WE CHOOSE OUR THOUGHTS, Y’ALL! I MEAN, IF YOUR HEART WAS LITERALLY JUMPING OUT OF YOUR CHEST, WE’D HAVE TO ADDRESS THAT, BUT IT WASN’T (THANK GOD, THAT’D BE ANOTHER ISSUE), SO YOU NEED TO THINK DIFFERENT THOUGHTS.  PREFERABLY CHARACTER THOUGHTS.

 

— . . . when I had to look down at my paper in an unexpected moment I became flustered. NOT because I tried to memorize… I never try to memorize [for an audish], but I do remember my lines inadvertently very easily after a couple rehearsals sometimes in the rush of performance though I guess I lose my train of thought and have to look down here and there.  Sometimes this leaves me momentarily flat footed and I have to recover.

 

THAT CANNOT HAPPEN ANYMORE.  YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL ACTOR.  YOU NEED TO FIX IT.  SIMPLY CHANGE THE THOUGHTS THAT CREATE THAT “FLUSTERATION.”

 

— I also probably just didn’t rehearse ENOUGH.  Since I knew this was not a real audition and “just class” I decided it was okay for me to go [out] with my friends the night before. I had read the script and run it a few times in rehearsal.  I figured I could do more in the morning.  But in the morning I just didn’t actually have the time I thought I would.

 

IT WAS.  IT WAS PLENTY OF TIME.  YOU DIDN’T NEED MORE REHEARSAL THAT NIGHT.  YOU NEEDED ALL GATS, NO BATS, CHARACTER THOUGHTS AND A LITTLE MORE REHEARSAL THE NEXT MORNING. SO BASICALLY, YOU THREW YOURSELF UNDER THE BUS.  WHY?  DON’T SAY BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T HAVE TIME.  YOU HAD TIME.  YOU ELECTED TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.  I KNOW YOU WANTED TO SPEND TIME DOING SOME RESEARCH, BUT I THINK YOU WOULD HAVE BENEFITED FROM HALF RESEARCH, HALF PREPARATION.  YOU NEED TO ELECT TO DO WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU.  YOU’RE GONNA FIGURE THAT OUT BY HOW YOU FEEL, NOT BY DOING WHAT YOU PERCEIVE TO BE CORRECT.

 

— Also, I was nervous to go in doing an accent. I thought maybe this was too bold a choice.

 

YOU CAN’T BE NERVOUS ABOUT YOUR CHOICES.  YOU HAVE TO THINK YOUR CHOICES ARE THE GREATEST THING TO HAVE EVER HAPPENED IN TV OR CINEMA!  YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE THE ANSWER.  YOU MUST CHANGE THOSE USELESS THOUGHTS.  YOU NEED TO WORSHIP AND ADORE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR VERY OWN ACTING.  EVEN AND ESPECIALLY ACCENTS. DECIDE!  IF IT’S TOO BOLD A CHOICE, THEN CHOOSE, BOLDLY, NOT TO DO IT.  IF IT’S NOT?  THEN CHOOSE, BOLDLY, TO DO IT.

 

— I knew I couldn’t do it perfectly. I hadn’t practiced it that way. I hadn’t re-listened to my accent tapes.

 

THEN SKIP IT, BOLDLY. BETTER, OF COURSE, HAD YOU HAD ENOUGH TIME TO LISTEN TO THE TAPES, BUT LACKING THAT TIME, SKIP IT, AND LOOOOOVE THAT YOU SKIPPED IT! YOU CAN’T GO OUT THERE AND ACT FROM A PLACE OF FEAR OR INSECURITY!

 

— I thought maybe I should play it safer my first day back

 

NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER PLAY IT SAFE. EVER. JASON JENNINGS (LK&CO.’S DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS), QUOTES PAUL NEWMAN AS FOLLOWS: “IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE, YOU HAVE TO SHOW YOUR ASS. YOU CAN’T WALK IN AND PLAY IT SAFE.”

 

— . . . so I wouldn’t get yelled at.

 

PLAYING IT SAFE IS THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY TO GET YELLED AT, FYI.

 

— But I decided “Fuck it, if can’t do it in class when am I going to feel okay doing it? I need to practice taking the risks somewhere, I can’t control everything. And let’s be honest, is not doing my accent going to prevent Les from yelling at me? Probably not.” The main thing I am working on as an actor and more importantly as a person is to let go. To let go of my impossibly high perfectionist standards that too often prevent me from even trying when I know I won’t meet them. It’s the main thing holding me back in life. It affects everything I do (even this letter which I promised myself I wouldn’t spend too much time on and here I am bearing my vulnerable soul with an unhealthy amount of overexplanation).

 

WELL, I DON’T AT ALL THINK THAT’S THE CASE. EVERY DETAIL YOU GIVE ME HELPS ME HELP YOU. (EVEN THOUGH I KNOW SOMETIMES YOU DON’T THINK IT’S HELPFUL.)

 

— I am trying to train myself to yearn only to be better every time I do something, rather than to be perfect.

 

CAN YOU CHANGE IT TO YEARNING TO JUST DO IT? TO SHOW UP? NOT BE BETTER, NOT BE PERFECT, JUST TO DO IT AND DO IT HOWEVER IT COMES OUT? YOU CAN’T ALWAYS DO BETTER, BUT YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS SHOW UP. THAT’S A WIN.

 

— I was DEFINITELY not perfect on Thursday. But… I was better in several ways. I had fun while doing this material,

 

WHICH IS THE BEST NEWS OF ALL.

 

— . . . which I was excited to work on. I had a few surprising moments where I got a laugh on something unplanned. And despite my nerves I didn’t actually care that much. So all in all, I’m not that disappointed and more inspired to come to class next week and try . . . again. In an effort to practice imperfection I’m not even going to re-read this email to ensure I expressed everything quite right! Eeek.

 

LOOOOOOVE THAT!!!!